past and future and exhaustion

I was going to write this funny post about our visit to the sauna-that-looks-like-a-1920s-insane-asylum-right-out-of-Sandman and it was going to include all sorts of wit and puns. I had it written out in my head and everything. But the words won’t form on virtual paper. The height of emotion I can bring myself to today is vague disappointment and slight sadness. Mostly, I’m utterly exhausted. There is no wave of depression crushing over me, nothing that would drag me down into unknown depth, just this insistent feeling that nothing will ever be good in my life. And that it really doesn’t matter what I do, the outcome will not be changed.

So what, you say? A lack of future, alright, every survivor can deal with that. I agree. We all learned that. But my brain thinks so little of the present right now that it won’t remember the details. Examples: I had this conversation with hubby after the sauna visit. I know that I told him I was going to write about the conversation in my blog because it was funny. I was going to make this reference to ??? and it was going to be cool. Only, I don’t remember what we talked about. Or what my Mom told me on the phone the other day. And then I had this serious and earnest conversation with my hubby before I left to fly to Amsterdam and it was all important and the only thing I remember clearly is that the cat tried to climb into my suitcase and I shooed her off. In addition to the future, I’m losing the present and the past.

Pretty sure hubby is going to be pissed at that when he reads it. But I don’t know what to do about it. Apart from maybe carrying a recording device with me at all times? Is that a solution?

I think I really just want to wake up and be better.


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