On Self-Censorship

Today, I censored my blog. I deleted the post about heteronormativity because it upset someone. That person is important to me in real life and it hurt their feelings. I never intended for the post to hurt their feelings or to be a reflection on their personality at all, actually. But it did hurt their feelings. So I deleted it. That’s what you should do, right? That’s what a good person would do, right? Also, not a big deal, right?

I strive to be a good person. I really do. Only, this blog was supposed to be my safe place. Where I could explore without repercussions what things meant to me and how I wanted to deal with both my own issues and with the societal challenges I encounter. It was the place where I wanted to think things through but not censor myself like I do everywhere else.

I broke that rule today.

Now I’m guessing I could have done several things differently:

  1. I could have written in an old-fashioned paper journal with a lock instead of publicly online
  2. I could have written only about safe things
  3. I could have used imaginary instead of real life examples of how societal conditioning influences our lives
  4. I could have just ignored that I hurt someone’s feelings
  5. I could have not given any people who I know in real life the URL of this blog.
  6. Now that it’s too late for that, I could post only kitten pictures for the rest of my life to minimize damage

But none of these sound particularly appealing to me. None of them sound particularly me.

So while I won’t put my last post back up (though it was brilliantly written – in case you haven’t subscribed and thus have missed it forever, you’ll never know the true spark of wisdom, ahem) (yeah, yeah, I was kidding, it was okay, though, and a few people liked it before it got deleted, so shout-out to you guys), I want to at least get a couple of points about heteronormativity back up because I still believe in them:

  1. When someone says “I don’t think there is a gay love story there” when talking about your OTP: I really wish they would say “I don’t think there is a love story there” instead. Because even if they don’t see the chemistry or can’t decipher any of the subtext, they felt the need to narrow it down to “gay love story”. As if “gay” was the part that counts. When the part that counts is “love”. That makes me sad. In my happy bubble, the world is divided only in “there’s love” or “there’s no love” without any constraints or conditions.
  2. Dude-bro world, you got me more than once today. Heteronormativity, I concede. You win. But one battle isn’t the war. This isn’t over yet. I’ll keep fighting.

That said, I’ll retreat to my happy rainbow bubble to regroup. Come find me there if you want to talk to me. I didn’t like today’s experiences very much. So I will now regroup and rethink where I want to go with this blog and with myself and the way I express myself. Heaven girl out.

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