I have spent a sleepless night thinking about your love.
You tell me “you love everyone” and that you just feel that “that kind of relationship is not what’s best for me”.
I’ve spent a sleepless night thinking about why it makes me feel so bad when you tell me you love me. Why it triggers me. Why it terrifies me.
And somewhere in the darkest depth of the night I have found the answer:
Your love is like that of an abusive husband.
Like him, you know what’s best for me, better than I do, so I should obey your laws not follow my heart.
Like him, you take my freedom away because I can’t be trusted with it and might do something you don’t like.
Like him, you isolate me from the ones I love because you say they aren’t good for me, they will damage my soul.
Like him, you promise me to be free from pain later, in an undefined future, if I just accept being lonely and relying solely on you now.
Like him, you will punish me if I misbehave. You will strip my rights away, you will beat me up – because you love me and want to make me better.
Like him, you say I will only be worthy if I negate who I am and live for your ideal and your belief of what I should be.
Like him, you drive me to despair and call it love.
And like with him, I need to be protected from you. I try my best to protect myself but I know on my own I am not enough. I need allies. Who fight for my right to be free and to be safe and to love and to be happy in this life.
I am crying while typing this because I hope so much that I have enough allies and I’m so afraid that I don’t. That one day I will have to rely on your love. Which I know will kill me.