Tag Archives: about me

A whiny post

I miss having a friend at work. I like my coworkers as well as the next person. They are smart, they do their work well, they respect me and I respect them. We have nothing much in common apart from work, but that’s okay. Has always had to be okay.

But when I started here, a decade ago now, I made a friend. We became good friends. The kind of friend that you trust with your personal life. The kind of friend who listens to your stories even if they aren’t interested in the same shit you’re interested in. The kind of friend you tell about having been abused. The kind of friend who notices the days when you’re feeling off. The kind of friend that you can tell about your PTSD and anxiety and depression.

Since she left, I don’t have that anymore. My coworkers are friends with each other. They have the same hobbies. They have the same status. I lead the department and I’m doing a good job at it. But I’d love to have one friend. Someone to confide in on the bad days. Someone to share the good days with. Just one person I trust. That would make daily life so much better.

Random Top 5 lists

I think it’s time for another round of Top 5 lists because it’s been awfully long since I last did that. As usual, it will be very random.

Top 5 TV Shows, still running, currently watching

  1. How to Get Away With Murder
  2. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
  3. Supernatural
  4. Grey’s Anatomy
  5. Marvel’s Agents of Shield

So even though Dr. Who got that much better in its current season, it still didn’t make the cut. Sorry about that. But yay for Supernatural recovering!

Top 5 male slash couples

  1. Destiel/DeanCas: Dean Winchester / Castiel (Supernatural)
  2. Captain Jack Harkness / Ianto Jones (Torchwood)
  3. Stucky: Steve Rogers / Bucky Barnes (Avengers / Captain America)
  4. Coliver: Connor Walsh / Oliver Hampton (How to Get Away With Murder)
  5. Lito Rodriguez / Hernando (Sense 8)

OMG, 3 out of 5 are canon! The world is changing!

Top 5 internet based series

  1. Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog (a modern classic)
  2. The Guild (Felicia Day)
  3. Lonelygirl15 (reasons)
  4. ConMan (proud crowd funder)
  5. Caper (Geek & Sundry!)

Also, Wil Wheaton’s TableTop. It just didn’t fit into the top 5 because it’s not fiction.

Top 5 anything with David Tennant in it

  1. Dr. Who (Ten!)
  2. Much Ado About Nothing (Digital Theatre)
  3. Broadchurch (dark)
  4. Single Father (heart-breaking)
  5. Casanova (sweet)

Top 5 English songs on my DeanCas playlist

  1. Carry on, Kansas (duh)
  2. Angeles, Jensen Ackles (reasons)
  3. Seasons of Love, Rent (starts crying)
  4. Like real People Do, Hozier (do it, kiss like real people do!)
  5. Es könnt ein Anfang sein, Rosenstolz (it could be a beginning)

Top 5 songs on my Geek Playlist

  1. Cats and Netflix, The Doubleclicks
  2. G33K & G4M3R Girls, Team Unicorn
  3. I’m the One Who’s Cool, The Guild
  4. Vanilla (I’m not Sexy), Marian Call
  5. Gamer Girl, Country Boy, Felicia Day

And that’s it for now! If there’s any Top 5 Lists you’re interested in, let me know (not that I think anyone is actually interested in my Top 5 Lists, lol).

Binary

[I will apologize for the long and rambling post in advance. For the life of me, I have no idea how to make this concise.]

In mathematics, the binary system is a base-2 number system, that means, it is entirely made up out of 0 and 1. Everything is EITHER a 0 OR a 1. And I guess that’s fine for mathematics and has lots of useful applications in electronics, but we also use this system to describe humans, or more specifically, our gender and our sexuality. You are EITHER a boy OR a girl. You are EITHER heterosexual OR homosexual. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and the longer I think it through, the less useful the application of the binary system to myself seems to be.

Let’s start with sexuality, because I have been thinking about my sexuality for a very long time. I’ve been confused by it for a very long time, too. I had my first crush on a boy at around the same time that I had my first crush on a girl. So, which one was the ‘real’ crush? Am I a 0 or a 1? People expect clear binary statements and people were my only resource (this was pre-Tumblr, alas). My hetero friends expected me to be in a phase and turn out hetero, my gay/lesbian friends expected me to turn out lesbian. Gosh, it’s exhausting to just think back to this! I played an incomplete version myself for everyone everywhere. What a wonderful moment in my mid-twenties when I finally figured out that none of my crushes was less real than the other. That I wasn’t an EITHER OR. I was a BOTH. I started screaming: “I’m bi! Deal with it!” at my friends and felt better, whether they believed me or not. (Note: If you press me on the fact, these days I’m going to answer that I’m panromantic demisexual, but who outside of Tumblr will understand that one?)

I haven’t really started thinking about gender in the same way until very recently. Actually, my transgender ex-girlfriend, the best resource I had for what it is like to not fit the norm, only reinforced the strict binary. She was born a biological 0 where she knew she was a 1. So she was working towards getting that adjusted. What I didn’t notice at the time, was how much of a butch I ended up being in this relationship. That could have clued me in.

Because yes, in terms of sex, the vast majority of us are born an EITHER OR (read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides for a fascinating account of someone who is BOTH). But gender? Gender is a social construct, created along the lines of the sex divide, but bridged more often than we notice. I’ve never felt that I was born with the wrong set of genitalia. Doesn’t mean there haven’t been times that I felt more like a boy than a girl. We use the expression ‘tomboy’ for that, a word that maybe also is a clue, that the gender-divide isn’t as strict as we pretend.

If we go by stereotypes, you will notice the following about me: I’m good at math. Much better than my (cis/het) husband. I also have a much better sense of orientation. My sense of fabrics and decoration isn’t bad but it is miles away from what my (cis/het) father can do. You will find no pink in my wardrobe unless it is part of the bisexual flag colors. I’ve had a time of about 10 years in which I wore solely man’s button-down shirts and jeans. These days, you will find the occasional skirt in my closet, with knee-high boots (but no heels because I’m already 6’1’’) and I’m rocking it (well, IMHO). [The men’s clothes btw were always taken as a reflection on my sexuality, never on my gender.] I’ve had a good friend comment after I got together with hubby that I am “more womanly” now. Am I? Cause dude, I still don’t cook and I still do the taxes. Okay, that was probably not what he meant. What he meant was most likely that I was in love and thinking about doing the frick-frack more often than not – and we’re right back to mixing expression of sexuality and gender.

I remember taking a pop quiz in a magazine when I was half my current age and it determined my gender as “mostly down the middle, slightly on the male side” (hey, my Dad scored a lot more feminine points than me). I took one of the currently available online tests just for fun and that’s the result: Countertype to Stereotypical Female aka Female higher on stereotypically masculine traits than on stereotypically feminine traits. Seeing that they didn’t ask my sex, they did good.

Now, I’m a 2 to 3 on the Kinsey scale and I have no idea whether there is an official scale for gender (please educate me if you know!) but I’m pretty darn sure I’d come right down in the middle as well. I’m good with that. It feels natural. It feels like the way it should be. Like everyone is on a sliding scale and these binary labels are just there to give us a tribe to belong to or be excluded from.

But you know what? I don’t give a flying fuck. My tribe are the people I share interests with, who are kind and funny and sad and lovely and broken and healed and whatever labels they think apply to them, I’m fine with it. I for my part am not an either or. I’m a BOTH.

On Self-Censorship

Today, I censored my blog. I deleted the post about heteronormativity because it upset someone. That person is important to me in real life and it hurt their feelings. I never intended for the post to hurt their feelings or to be a reflection on their personality at all, actually. But it did hurt their feelings. So I deleted it. That’s what you should do, right? That’s what a good person would do, right? Also, not a big deal, right?

I strive to be a good person. I really do. Only, this blog was supposed to be my safe place. Where I could explore without repercussions what things meant to me and how I wanted to deal with both my own issues and with the societal challenges I encounter. It was the place where I wanted to think things through but not censor myself like I do everywhere else.

I broke that rule today.

Now I’m guessing I could have done several things differently:

  1. I could have written in an old-fashioned paper journal with a lock instead of publicly online
  2. I could have written only about safe things
  3. I could have used imaginary instead of real life examples of how societal conditioning influences our lives
  4. I could have just ignored that I hurt someone’s feelings
  5. I could have not given any people who I know in real life the URL of this blog.
  6. Now that it’s too late for that, I could post only kitten pictures for the rest of my life to minimize damage

But none of these sound particularly appealing to me. None of them sound particularly me.

So while I won’t put my last post back up (though it was brilliantly written – in case you haven’t subscribed and thus have missed it forever, you’ll never know the true spark of wisdom, ahem) (yeah, yeah, I was kidding, it was okay, though, and a few people liked it before it got deleted, so shout-out to you guys), I want to at least get a couple of points about heteronormativity back up because I still believe in them:

  1. When someone says “I don’t think there is a gay love story there” when talking about your OTP: I really wish they would say “I don’t think there is a love story there” instead. Because even if they don’t see the chemistry or can’t decipher any of the subtext, they felt the need to narrow it down to “gay love story”. As if “gay” was the part that counts. When the part that counts is “love”. That makes me sad. In my happy bubble, the world is divided only in “there’s love” or “there’s no love” without any constraints or conditions.
  2. Dude-bro world, you got me more than once today. Heteronormativity, I concede. You win. But one battle isn’t the war. This isn’t over yet. I’ll keep fighting.

That said, I’ll retreat to my happy rainbow bubble to regroup. Come find me there if you want to talk to me. I didn’t like today’s experiences very much. So I will now regroup and rethink where I want to go with this blog and with myself and the way I express myself. Heaven girl out.